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So I've been laying low a bit .. I'm a little melancholy, a little overwhelmed and a little just kind of blah.

The melancholy is a little bit post-divorce, but more just the emotional drain of parenting; especially parenting the Bean. That's where the overwhelmed comes in, too. Neurology and neuropsychology appointments and assesments; biweekly OT; behavior challenges at home and at school; hearing 'autism', 'pervasive developmental disorder', 'adhd', 'behavioral issues', 'mood disorder'...

These aren't diagnoses, they're rule-outs. But they're mentioned because initial assesments indicate they're possible, that my kid exhibits traits and behaviors associated with these disorders. That's not something anyone wants to hear or think about. Having a kid who is such magic in so many ways, but so obviously off of center too is just an emotional rollercoaster. And if I'm feeling a little moody anyways ... well, it's easy to get sucked into just blah.

So I don't end on a woe-is-me note: next time you see Miss O, ask her what dinsoaurs eat. Don't be shocked if she says "carrots". But she says it with that little, subtle Miss O smirk that lets you know that she may be small, and she may only be two, but she has a big sense of humor.
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I've had a lot of people talking at me the last few days ...

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What a week.

We started off with both of the girls' 'schools' being closed on Monday, so I struggled thru a work from home day. Let me just say it requires Herculean effort to accomplish work when these two are around. I can barely get through a Tweet before I'm interrupted, so actually working ... le sigh. And after the emotionally draining, PMS-fueled weekend I had, a bonus full-time mommy day was a bit much.

Some Mondays, I hate that my time with them is over. Some Mondays, I can't get them to school fast enough. This was that kind of Monday.

Tuesday and Wednesday mornings were 'up at the buttcrack of dawn' mornings, and, as a result, Bean was just wiped out by the time I picked her up each day. When you fall asleep at 8, get up at 5:30 and don't nap, your energy is about tapped out by 5 pm.

She's doing well enough at her new school; she's still getting knocked around by the bigger kid every day. The director says "she gives as good as she gets", but what I'm seeing and hearing is that she gives it *verbally*, but this kid dishes it out physically. When I pulled up to pick her up yesterday, they were outside, and he shoved her down without provocation. And she went down *hard* - if there had been something hard or sharp between her and the ground, the outcome could have been very bad.

Bean was upset, but didn't retaliate in any way. I've been spending so much time talking to her about how she has to give this kid a clean slate every day; how he might not be as good at expressing his feelings with words, so he hits/kicks when he can't express himself; yadda, yadda, yadda. But honestly? I'm close to telling her "you remember when you popped that chick in the face at your old school? Do it again, but harder."

Not really, but I am pretty sick of her being hurt every day. She's being so "good" - she runs away from him, pre-emptively, she gives him a clean slate every day, she doesn't retaliate physically ... it's amazing to me that she can call on so much self-control at such a young age. Yes, she still has emotional outbursts, and can get nonlinear when things don't go her way. But she can also call on restraint that I didn't realize she had.

Bean had an appointment with a neurologist today, the goal being to ascertain whether "all" we're dealing with, behavior- and integration-wise is SPD or if there's more going on. I wasn't able to go since today was my day to cover OT, but Dave said that after the eval the doc wanted to approach "this case from two main angles: looking at the PDD (pervasive development disorder - ie autism) spectrum and the sensory integration aspect."

Autism is one of those 'sucker punch' words, so I'm still in the digesting/ processing phase. We know it's not profound autism - so if we are dealing with autism, my road is a much easier one than many parents of autistic kids face. And a PDD "label" would be beneficial when she starts school, as SPD isn't recognized as a diagnosis meriting special circumstances.

But it's still a helluva thing to hear and to think about.

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