One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.

.
Le sigh.

Friday was just a sea of badness for Bean. It started rough, it proceeded to be rough all day and it ended on a less than sparkly note.

When I picked her up from school, the director took me aside to tell me that Bean had peed on the floor, kicked a bunch of classroom stuff, kicked a teacher and peeled some of their plastic baseboard off the wall during her nap time. Our afternoon didn't improve much over that, but she did manage panties and not peeing on herself overnight and in the morning.

We had a decent Saturday, except she peed in her pants at Jungle Java after refusing to use the potty no more than 5 minutes before. I wasn't demeaning or cruel, but I did tell her I was mad because this should not have happened.

Today was pretty good. A few screaming meltdowns, but I was in my happy place in spite of being up at 5:22, so I managed to keep my game slightly above hers at all times. There were a few moments when I wasn't sure I'd be able to maintain it, but I did.

Today I talked to her a bit about what happened on Friday at school. She said she was in the bathroom before nap, talking to her friends and a teacher made her leave, so she didn't get a chance to pee. She refused to leave, says she told them she hadn't peed, and then started kicking cabinets and stuff. The teacher picked her up bodily and she continued kicking, and that teacher got kicked in the process. She handed Bean off to another teacher and that teacher admonished her to calm down. Best I can tell, they didn't say anything mean, but in retelling the events, she was very bothered by having been picked up.

When she was handed off to the other teacher, she said she didn't kick because her "legs calmed down". This particular teacher isn't one Big Girl likes or trusts (Bean says, "she always talks to me in a mean voice" and this is the teacher that lied to Bean at least once, telling her that she called her daddy and he said Bean couldn't come home with Dave or I unless she took a nap), so it's not like she likes the teacher and was sparing her harm :)

Then while Bean was talking to another kid in the nap room, she said "I had to go to the bathroom, but I lost the football game and I peed in my pants." Since she was removed from the bathroom earlier, I can only fault her for this so much, ya know?

I'm not sure what her reasoning was for peeling the plastic baseboard off. But when I think about how she doesn't want to nap and that they stuck her next to a wall where she *could* peel it off, combined with what seems her total inability to just lay still and quiet unless she's exhausted, it just seems like a "because it was there and because she could and needed to" situation.

Dealing with her is such a bipolar experience. Within 5 minutes she can go from screaming at me and kicking walls to sweetly offering to do Miss O's clean-up. Today she made a book, titled "Mommy" that talks about me being a princess and playing soccer, I think.

I sent a detailed email about all of this to her OT, trying to ascertain how much I can "blame" on the SPD and what I can do when this kind of stuff happens. The potty accidents, tho, seem all about control, a theory validated today by her threatening me that if I took away her My Little Ponies, she'd pee in her panties.

One of us needs medication on days like this, but I'm not sure if it's her or me.

(Quote from "The Prom")
.

Oh my god, I think I'm gonna pee my pants!

.
Sigh.

So Bean wore panties at Dave's Wed night, and did great. She asked to wear them here, and since she'd been waking up dry in pull-ups for awhile, and even using the potty in the a.m. instead of the pull-up, I was fine with it.

She did great overnight, but insisted this a.m. that she wasn't ready to pee in the potty. Y'all can probably guess where this is going: she waiting until the last minute and peed in her jammies/all over the bathroom floor.

I've taken the panty privilege away. I told her that if she could go a week dry overnight and using the potty as soon as she got out of bed, we could try again. Honestly, I don't care about night potty learning, since I don't want to get pissy (ha!) when she has accidents. I'd have been less cranky if she peed in the bed than I was about this, since this was just a case of her being bullheaded and wanting control. (The whole reason I hate anything to do w/ potty learning - I don't ever want to be in a power struggle over bodily functions.)

Is that approach too harsh?

She had tons of reasons for the accident: "at daddy's house the potty is closer" (not true), "I didn't know I had to go" (I asked her three times prior to use the body). Then the more Bean-like reason of "when I wake up in the morning my skin wakes up first, then my muscles. My bones wake up last and my bones didn't know I had to go pee." Bones or muscles, all I know is I was mopping up pee before even my second sip of coffee and I was one. cranky. mommy.

I'm a little stressed, as I start full-time work Monday. Yes, you read that right. I had a first interview Tuesday, a second Wednesday, and a job offer before I got home. I've been hired as a Communications Manager over at AMD - the team is great, the job is perfect and has the potential to become a real career and it's all right up my alley. The commute is the only downfall, but for better pay and better working environment, it's a small negative. I need to get a bluetooth setup for the car so I can spend the commute yapping away.

I'm worried about the girls going back to full-time care, especially because when I talked to the director yesterday, she seemed apprehensive/uncertain about Bean being there full-time. I'm still not very happy with their school, and just don't get that good a feeling from most of the folks there. It also feels like the director marginalizes me - like I'm not a real factor/decision-maker. Every time Dave sends an email w/ me on copy, she replies to him only.

I know, I know - but I'm working against time and against the huge obstacle of this being where the new girlfriend's kid goes, so it feels like any concerns I raise fall on deaf ears. I'm sure part of it is the assumption that I'm against it for petty reasons. And, truth be told, I was against this school from the beginning because her daughter goes there. But when we looked at schools, this was the only one I liked AND felt was safe. There was a school I liked way better, but where safety was questionable at best. Like I don't know how they pass inspection.

Anywho, I'm worried about Bean being full-time, I'm worried about juggling everything again, and I'm worried about the job and new people. It really shows promise, but it's always nerve-wracking, for me at least, to start a new job. The shyness and self-doubt percolate around and churn in my stomach.

I think Miss O will be fine with being full-time. But Bean ... I'm trying to keep my doubts inside, since I don't want to inadvertently add them to her own burdens. But yeah, I'm worried about her.

Her OT is going well, but for her sensory issues, I think she'd be better going 2X a week. Hopefully I can get a feel for things at work soon, and between Dave and I, we can each cover a day so she can get in two visits a week. There's only so much of that stimulating environment that I can create at home. I do have a sit-n-spin, a wobble board, a rocking chair and a bean bag for her, and she can jump on the bed and climb on furniture at will, but it's making/finding the time to really engage her in all that and stay on top of things. I mean, hell, I have to blog and drink coffee.



(Quote from "All The Way")
.

Wordless Wednesday

.


.

I still feel like carrying around a security blanket.

.
For those who remember ...


During my "the kids are gone, let's clean the whole house and get rid of stuff" week, I stumbled upon the last few scraps of Bean's beloved Purple Baby. Neither purple, nor baby, Purple Baby was a flannel blanket that she glommed onto as her security blanket. She had been okay with pretty much any flannel receiving blanket, but at some point, it was down to two identical ones that she named Purple Baby.

As would be expected, PB broke down over time, with small tears and pulls. At some point she lost one, and then the one remaining split into two. That became three, and so on. In the end, PB was just a few strips of blanket. But she loved it just the same.

She's since moved on to just needing something to hold. She has a veritable preserve's worth of stuffed animals, so she just picks the one (or ten) she likes that day.

But I keep the few remaining scraps of PB for her memory book or whatever. If she's anything like me, they'll get thrown out in some mad purge, but I wanted her to have them when she's all grown up. A part of me misses the little girl who determinedly stuck with PB even when it was just a tiny scrap of blanket. And when I see these little PB fragments, I can't help picturing her as the little girl she was.



I think Max secretly misses it too.

(Quote from "The Freshman")

.

I mean, Charlotte Corday wasn't a real martyr either, but...

.
I've actually been chewing on a few blog posts for a couple days.

This one is about how parenting ideals are nice, but, in my opinion/experience, shouldn't be carved in stone. I've watched a few discussions transpire on a parenting list that I belong to that make me wonder if it's possible to set too high a standard for parenting.

Now, I strive to be a involved, attached parent. And I think that having an ideal that's above the level I parent at is a positive thing: it helps me strive to be a better mom. I'm not a perfect mom, and sometimes I'm not even a great mom, but I'm usually a good enough mom. And that's cool with me.

The discussions of late have dealt with two related topics:
1. whether a 19-month-old is old enough for overnight visits with the non-primary caregiver (the dad)
2. getting in "me" time for exercise

I was one of maybe two or three who felt that a 19-month-old could do an overnight with dad, and one of a handful who took a "it's okay to let your two-year-old cry with dad do you can get out for a 30-minute walk solo" stance.

Most folks were horrified at the thought of the 19-monther being away from mom overnight. It totally clashed with their ideals. Only myself and few other moms responded from the "I've actually been divorced/separated" perspective. The others were speaking from their gut reactions.

In a similar vein, the majority of the advice given to the mom who really felt on edge and needed me time played to the central theme of 'here's how to get exercise with your child'.

I won't name names or even the discussion list, as I do appreciate that it's always going to be different strokes for different folks. But I wonder if a totally child-centric approach is maybe a bit too much.

In the case of visitation, it would be great to not have to wonder this kind of stuff, to live in a world where divorce and separation don't happen. But we don't. And for those who endure separation and/or divorce, is it better to uphold some ideal that a child shouldn't be away from the primary caregiver overnight until they're three? Or is it better to facilitate something that might violate your ideal, but is likely a better way to ensure a solid non-primary parent/child relationship?

I cannot imagine waiting for Miss O to reach three years old - that's what people idealize, and what the State of Texas apparently allows - before she spent the night at her dad's. In part for my own sanity but mostly for her relationship with her dad. How could they build any sort of trust and love if his role were marginalized to that of her daycare providers?

And why should parents (usually moms) be expected (or expect of themselves) to live their whole life as sole caretaker? The woman who asked about getting exercise said her two-year-old threw a tantrum when she left her with her dad. And in my head, I wondered: "so what? she'll cry a few times you do it, but then dad will learn to soothe her and your daughter will build a better relationship with him."

I don't know the full story, or know the parents personally, in either of the two examples. I've no doubt that there are dads who truly cannot handle the responsibility of caring for a child. I don't understand the physics behind it, but have read about dads who just suck at being actual parents.

But assuming the dads in question are decent fathers, why the martyrdom? Why keep throwing yourself under the bus to put your child first? Yes, I want the best for Bean and Miss O. And yes, I hold myself to a high standard with their care. But I also teach them that there are times when mommy just needs some down time.

What do you say? Is it possible to over-idealize parenting and your child's existence? Or do you think that by sacrificing your own wants and needs, you're a better and more dedicated parent?

(Quote from "Out of My Mind")

Do you see my resolve face? You've seen it before, you know what it means.

.
Ah. A new year. That means resolutions and promises to do things differently.

Not for me. I don't know what it is about resolutions that rub me wrong, but they do. Maybe it's the pressure to fulfill them. Maybe it's the hollowness of most resolutions. Maybe it's just like the whole "It's the *one* time of year to be good to others" kind of vibe that's perpetuated around Christmas: I try to be good to others all year, and I try to change what I want to change all year.

But I do want this year to be different.

[Random aside, Mike Rowe's show tonight has him castrating sheep. Doesn't make him any less hot.]

Like I said, I do want this year to be different. I want to cross whatever magic threshold I have to cross to be okay again. How, when and where that happens, I don't know. I don't know if it'll be a clouds parting, sun shining kind of moment or if it'll be just some subtle thing that I wake up one day and realize. However it plays out, it's not something that lends itself well to resolutions, thankfully.

How 'bout y'all? Any resolutions? Or are you pitching your tent (snicker) in the no resolution camp?
.

Changing the look not an idle threat with you.

.
New Year, new look.

You likey?

I hope you and yours have a happy, healthy and magical year.
.