Is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?

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Overheard, Bean making a pretend phone call this morning:

Hi Daddy.
{Sniff-sniff}
I ... hate mommy.
I want you.

All because I was just trying to do a little work and cram in some blog time in my first thirty minutes of the day.

Being the custodial parent is a world of different from being a noncustodial one, IMO. There's so little downtime, and I actually get 4 more days a month than most folks do. Typically, the noncustodial parent covers the first, third and (when it happens) fifth weekend, meaning the custodial parent often only has 6 days off a month. My usual is 10. The other 20 days are all mommy, all the time. Natch, there's a good chunk of mommy at work/kids in daycare but all the home time is all me.

And I don't have kids that give me free time when they're with me; I have to cajole, wheedle, sneak and sometimes holler to get a few minutes alone. I pee, they're there. I shower, they're there. I cook, they're there. I clean, they're there. And not just hanging out or helping, but incessantly talking/whining at me to stop whatever it is I'm doing and pay attention to them. Play with them. Listen to them.

Don't get me wrong, I really do adore them, but 20 days of the month, if I'm home, I'm not catching a break until they go to sleep. Which takes an hour of me being with them. And then it's 8:30 or so and I have about 9 hours before the next day starts. So it's constantly a choice of "do I sleep, or do I read/blog/write/clean?" And the personal time usually wins.

We had friends over today for a potluck; it's funny - you spend hours cleaning to have folks over, and within, what, about 15 minutes the kiddos have turned the place into something health inspectors would condemn, given half a chance. But it was awesome to see everyone and to get the kids together, and totally worth the cleaning :) I swear, I have the greatest friends!

I got to wrap up my day with two very sleepy and very snuggly girlies; we read stories and they both fell asleep pretty quickly (under 45 minutes) so I can sneak in a blog post and finish the post-get-together clean up then maybe grab a solid 7 hours tonight.

Wish me luck!
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I didn't say you were stupid! So…stop being an idiot and let me fix this!

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It's been an emotional roller-coaster of a weekend.

The good: Bean's birthday party today was awesome. I used Wanna Play Playcare, which is a drop-in, hourly daycare facility; they're closed on Sundays and have two-hour slots for private parties that day. It was a really great experience - the kids had a ton of stuff to do, the parents could be a bit less vigilant because there was a locked door and no strangers (as well as two staff members) and they had a great food serving/eating area as well. My house just isn't big enough to host a party, so I'm always looking for an off-site location - I won't be looking anymore. As long as they're around, I'll be doing all kid parties at Wanna Play.

Bean had a great time, loved playing with her friends and even got to take in bits and pieces of a My Little Pony movie when she slowed down. She barely touched her cake, tho. (Actually, none of the kids really ate their cake. I think next time it'll be cookies and/or brownies, because I'm not a cake fan anyways.) Since almost all the 4-ish year olds have a 1-1.5-year-old younger sibling, it was a great time for the littles, as well.

Work is going well, but my stress level has been slowly ratcheting up as the Pink Slip Festival approaches. Dan has pointed out that I over think things, but in the case of this festival, I don't think I can over think many aspects. It's Austin, so at least half of the key players are these mellow "it'll work fine" people who aren't really following up on details or dotting all the i's. Maybe it will be fine, but my brain doesn't work that way: I see things play out to their logical/ likely conclusions in my head, so I'm starting to get a bit twitchy about everything that could go wrong.

We actually had a 'planning' day at work on Friday, where we spent the first half of the day planning stuff and the second half suffering through "Transformers 2" at the Alamo. That movie *sucked*. Good god, it was awful. The special effects were nifty, but the crappy acting and lame-ass dialog just killed me. I want to meet the person who thinks there was anything redeeming about this movie. There wasn't.

Friday night, Shirley came over for wine and conversation; Saturday night it was Julia and Cindy's turn. It was really great to spend some time with all of them, sans kiddos, since I never make playgroups or weekday outings anymore.

Saturday morning I had coffee with Dave's parents. It's the first time I've seen his dad since the divorce; I saw his mom once, right after the divorce, but the last time they were in town, She Who Shall Not Be Named was calling the shots (indirectly) and kiboshed anyone thinking anything nice about me. Since they're his folks, they went with the flow. Now that Voldemort's gone, we're all free to talk to each other again.

It was actually really nice seeing his folks, and the conversation was pleasant and flowed well. But the whole thing just made me sad. Sad for everything that I've lost, sad for the life I used to have, sad that it's gone ... I think I still mourn it, and while I know I need to move on - and have moved on in many ways, there's still this tiny little shred of denial/ hope/ stupidity that trips me up and keeps me from really, totally, for sure closing the door.

I'm not loving seeing that admission in black and white as I type this. I'm fighting myself, trying to decide if I leave it or delete it. I don't want to be stupid; and I certainly don't want to admit to the world that I feel that way ... but I feel like I have to maintain the open kimono I've always shown ya, fess up even when I'd prefer to shove this tiny bubble down somewhere and pretend (to y'all and to myself) it doesn't exist.

Eh, screw it. It stays. Don't beat me up too hard for being a dumbass, 'kay?
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Help me out here, Spock, I don't speak loser.

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Unfortunately, I do.

So, flew to Sarasota Thursday, landed, went to Kelly's and we hung out drinking beer and catching up.

Friday morning was the beach with Kelly and her girls and Kerri and her boys. The plan was for the kids to play while the grown-ups chatted, but Mother Nature had other ideas and kicked up some good-sized swells. I spent a lot of time in the water with Kelly's older daughter (9), who also happens to be my goddaughter. I did get in a nice long walk with Kerri from Crescent Beach to Siesta, though that wasn't really enough time after so many years. But she had to work that night and again Saturday, so the little bit of time had to be enough.

Kelly and the girls and I went back to her folks' place (they were out of town), spent some time in the pool and relaxed a bit. Then I got dressed and dolled up for my reunion and headed down to Casey Key. After a ridiculously long wait at the little bridge on Blackburn Pt road, I got there. I walked up to the entrance of the restaurant, panicked and went back to the car.

Why? I couldn't stop thinking about how I was just kind of the loser who left in tenth grade, and why would anyone care what I had been up to or what became of me. I had a 'what the hell am I doing here?!?' moment that I couldn't talk myself down from.

And I left.

I left because I was a coward who couldn't bear the thought of standing around like a dumbass if no-one really talked to me. I hate typing all this - it makes me feel like such an ass now, but I've never held back before so why stop now. Usually it doesn't cast me in such a bad light, though.

So, yeah - pansy supreme, that's me. I've had "I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me" in my head all evening long, as I procrastinated on blogging and copping to my loserdom. Even contemplated the old "I had a headache" line, but figured I needed to own the decision.

My Friday night was, instead, walking around on Island Park with Kelly's younger daughter, then hitting St. Armands Circle for some strolling, shopping and ice cream from Kilwin's. We got home around 10, and everyone crashed.

Saturday was a blast - Kelly dropped the girls off with friends for the day and night, and she and I ate, shopped and were somehow overserved when we went out at night. Breakfast at Yoder's, shopping downtown, Publix subs for lunch, sunset at Sharky's, beers at The Hub and Gilligan's and then dancing to a totally attention-starved 80's cover band at The Beach Club. (Seriously. Attention starved. Like after every song "Let's hear it Beach Club!" and stopping after the opening bars of something everyone really liked and not starting again until everyone was screaming for it. I started screaming "love me! LOVE! ME!!!!")

Sunday morning came around a little too early, but I got packed, hung out a little with Kelly over coffee, and then headed for my sister's house to see her and grab some lunch before I hit the airport. It was great to see her, too, though she at least knows how to make a plane reservation and come to see people in other states. Unlike some best friends who shall remain unnamed.

And then back to work today, where my jet-lagged brain didn't catch up until probably 2:00 or so. Next time, I burn an extra day off and make sure to give myself a day off between vacation and returning to work - because I was more or less worthless today and really, really don't have time for that with so much on my plate.

At least I had my girls back tonight, and between all the hugs and kisses and O's babbling, I caught a few good ones from the mouth of Bean:

I was born first so don't push me around Miss O because I'm growed.

Mommy: Can you tell me about what you drew?
Bean: It's art.

Bean (about 'sugar bugs' on her teeth): Why can't I see them?
Mommy: Because sugar bugs are microscopic.
Bean: That means I need a microscope to see them.

Mommy, can you turn the light on for me? I'm scared. My mind plays tricks on me. Minds do that sometimes.

Yes they do, sweetie. They even trick you into thinking you shouldn't do something that you really should have.
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I'm not soothing? I can be soothing. I could soothe your ass off, pal.

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I have some thoughts that will be shared *privately*, but let me just say that sometimes, I feel like kicking people in the shin. Hard.

Two days from now I'll be chilling, poolside, in the balmy Sarasota and enjoying a beer with my BFF. I cannot wait. I haven't seen her in almost 10 years, and it's a long overdue visit. I'll be down there for my 20th high school reunion - oddly enough, from the school I left after 10th grade. But Pine View is a kind of special case, where most of us were there from 4th-10th, so my leaving my junior year isn't the same as if I had only known them two years, yanno?

I'm really looking forward to seeing my old classmates; I'm looking forward, too, to time spent with Kelly and Kerri, to being in my old stomping grounds, to seeing my sister, to the sunsets and sand and emotional recharge of Siesta Beach ... And hopefully to not burning to a crisp when I go to the beach on Friday. I think it's been just shy of a gazillion years since I've been to a beach. Actually, it's only been since I was on a cruise about 5-6 years ago, but still. I'm fairly certain there are vast tracts of skin that have forgotten, entirely, what the sun is.

I'm also looking forward to getting my iPhone at work tomorrow. My poor boss - it was supposed to be for when I was there 90 days, but I'm going on vacation after being there two months :) So my punishment is an iPhone; that way I can do work when I have some free time. Because I'll have sooo much of that. I figure it'll be great for airport time.

And I'll have a QWERTY keyboard!! Yay!! Do you have any idea how hard it is to text on the old Razr I have? It's so sad.

Actually, I'm a little stressed about taking the time while I have so damn many balls in the air, but it is what it is. I'll bring my laptop and the new phone and maybe be able to stay on top of a few things. Sort of.

And, since it's way overdue, a couple pics of the girls.

And yes, she is out cold


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I've got beer. You want some beer?

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Ahh .. a little Los Bad Apples, a little Blue Moon ... it's a tough life but someone has to live it. All business meetings should include beer and martinis.

(FYI, I was all about the Blue Moon and *not* the martinis. Martinis + Blue Moon would equal very bad decision-making. Even in the marketing world.)

Nothing says summertime like a weiss beer with orange slices. Nothing. Kels, you may argue that Corona says it better, but you just need to come to terms with being wrong. And nothing says "solid bidness skillz" like weiss beer and bidness. I even built a bridge over troubled waters.

Yes. I am *that* good.

Work is crazy - I'm coordinating a career fair, 11 career building classes and a community event for 500+ people. Oh, and yeah - still doing my 'regular' job of copy writing, branding and client communications. I'm two weeks out from the career fair and only have half the employers I need confirmed; and 30 days out from the communit event (The Pink Slip Festival) and still identifying balls I've dropped on that one. I said I had event planning experience when I landed this gig, but was pretty specific that it was corporate events, so I'm a bit over my head here.

Doesn't make my job any less fun, just a bit more overwhelming at times. I'm falling asleep thinking about all the stuff I need to do, dreaming about work and waking up remembering something *else* I have to do. Le sigh. I have 'to do' lists everywhere and if it's not on the list and no-one reminds me, it's in the dead zone - hopfeully I'll remember, but if I don't, hopefully someone will ut me some slack.

I have a 9:30 meeting tomorrow to wrap up more Festival loose ends, then need to get back on the phone lining up companies and recruiters for the job fair on the 8th. Oh, and did I mention I'll be out of town the 25th thru 28th? I will. And likely with limited or no Interwebz ... ah well, it's extra motivation for Dan to get me my damn iPhone :)

On Sunday I got to see a coupe of the guys I went to college with; they were in town visiting (one was in Kileen on bidness, the other now lives in Houston) and Dave invited me to spend a little time with them when I dropped off the girls. It was really great to see them - it's funny how those of us who go to college a little later really don't change much over ten years. But man, do situations change. Last I saw these guys, I was getting ready to get married; now I'm dropping the girls off at Dave's for his turn on parent duty. But sitting and talking to those guys was just like talking to them in 1999 while we were all studying at Marston Science Library at UF or over-indulging while we tailgated for Gator games.

Makes me even more excited about seeing my old middle/high school friends at my reunion this weekend ...
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