I feel just sick about it

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Since I've got mommy duty this weekend, I'll take a few minutes to get caught up.

I took my annual turn at the flu Sunday/Monday/Tuesday ... Monday was definitely the worst of the three. Bad enough to make my sans-insurance self pay out of pocket for a dr's visit. He suggested I skip the official flu test, since it's expensive, diagnosed the flu and sent me on my way with a couple prescriptions and a not-too-hefty bill.

Monday afternoon/evening, my parents took one for the team and picked up both kids from daycare, took them to their house and fed them. Then brought them home in time for bed. Awesome, right? Totally. Except for the part when Bean threw up. In their car.

Trooper that she is, she held onto her dress to keep all the puke on it. But cleaning up a pukey kid when I was on death's door myself, well, not an awesome night. My folks helped as much as they could, but they eventually left, and as these things tend to go, Bean threw up again. On the bed. Of course on the bed, right? What? It would be the toilet or even a sink? Puhleeze. It's just like cats always gakking up their hairballs right where your feet land when you get out of bed. 1900+ other square feet to choose from, but it's that square foot they hit. I refer to it as Max's law: an otherwise totally worthless animal will do something that sucks and makes you wonder why you don't just boot it and it's stinky-ass litter box out.

So Bean is of course exempt from the ramifications Max's law, and since I'm only *some* dumb and not plumb dumb, I just brought a bowl to bed with us and when she stirred in the night and I knew it was coming, I pulled her upright, she yakked in the bowl, and conked back out again. I dumped the bowl in the toilet, rinsed it out, and conked back out with her.

It's Thursday night now, and I'm left with a hacking, miserable cough and that lingering tiredness and achiness, but otherwise much better. Bean recovered fully within 12 hours, and - knock wood - Miss O escaped unscathed. This in spite of the fact that she tries to fall asleep with her face covering mine ..

So I think we'll all be in decent shape for a weekend of sunny days with temps in the 70's. WooHoo!
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Never go for the kill when you can go for the pain.

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Started with a little bit scratchy throat yesterday afternoon, and now it's full-on scratchy with a ton of congestion. Yay. No fever, tho, so it looks like it will just be an annoyance and nothing major. I felt like crap last weekend with suspected strep (got results back Tuesday that it wasn't), but since I was kid free, I got to lay around, sleep and recover pretty quickly. Since I'm on mommy duty this weekend, there's no rest for the weary.

It's funny how when I'm alone and feeling somewhat rough, I'll veg out in jammies and not leave the house. When the girls are here, I'm dragged out of bed before 6:00 and forced into cheerful conversations and outings no matter how bad I feel. I'd love to be sleeping now, and then sacking out on the couch for a day of football, but I know that's as likely to happen as me suddenly being paid what I'm worth :)

I've been hurting a bit lately. Not sure why, tho the fact that I'm obviously very easy to replace and it's yet another holiday season alone isn't helping at all. While he's doing serious relationship #2, I'm still sitting here trying to come to terms with how to make love stay and how not to be played for a fool again.

I still don't understand how and why my marriage had to end, and since I'm the kind of person who really likes to understand things fully and to learn lessons, it's very hard for me not to dwell. Marriage isn't supposed to be easy or blissful all the time, it isn't supposed to be "oh, things aren't the way I thought they'd be, so I'll just look for a greener pasture", but with 50% of marriages ending in divorce, it's obvious that a lot of folks aren't making the effort that marriage requires. And it scares me and makes me feel so vulnerable, because I never want to go through any of this again.

And since someone who promised to love and honor me forever, someone who I really believed understood that forever meant forever, could throw me away like garbage when things got hard, how can I ever make that promise or believe that promise again? What's the point? It feels like it would be easier and safer to just never risk all that again. Because going through that much pain again is not something I can deal with.

Ah, yeah. That took a 180-degree turn from just not feeling well. I get a little faklempt when I'm sick ... kinda maudlin and emotional. Makes things that I'm still working on inside percolate just a little too close to the surface. Going through a divorce as a mom of young kids means you don't get to spend time just wallowing and submerging yourself in everything you feel; you have to hold back and compartmentalize, and for me that seems to have led to prolonged processing. Instead of being able to rip the bandaid off, I've had to pick away at it.

I couldn't cry and rant in front of the girls, couldn't say what I wanted to say, or even really feel what I wanted to feel, because I was and am too focused on making it as easy on them as possible. So I have to smile and nod and engage while Bean talks about the girlfriends and their kids, while he just goes ahead and smashes my kids' lives into whatever relationship he's working on. Because I can't just say "I am so friggin' SICK of hearing about so-and-so and her kids!" or scream when Bean says for the hundredth time that weekend: "Kid so-and-so this, Miss so-and-so that. I went hiking with Miss so-and-so; I want to be just like kid so-and-so."

Ugh. That all sounds so bitter, and that's why I've been holding back on posting. I want to talk about this stuff, but I also don't want to sound like I'm all man-hating and bitter. I'm not, I don't think. I don't want any of this to still be bothering me or to still be hurting ... When you loved somebody as much as I loved him, and believed in your life as much as I did, I guess it's hard to look forward and say "I could risk all that again." I date, but I hold myself back. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to let myself go again.

I'll close with a Beanism. Just to lighten the mood a little, because I hate to be all Debbie Downer. She and I were watching a big cat show on Animal Planet, and she was a little down about having watched cheetah cubs take out a Thompson's gazelle fawn. As she watched a group of cheetah take down an Grant's gazelle, she cheered herself up and said "Oh rock on! They just killed a male gazelle. They know they shouldn't kill mommy or big sister gazelles because they are more lovable."

Oh yes she did.
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I brought you some supper, but.… if you'd prefer a lecture, I've a few very catchy ones prepped

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Yeah, I'm definitely battling *something*. Still no fever, but a nice burn-y eye, scratchy throat, congested and just ick feeling's been hanging on all day. And the dreary, overcast day was just a perfect one for jammies and TV.

I'm wondering if I am to blame for Bean's behavior issues at her dad's and at school. After a bumpy month or so, I've gone back to what worked for me when she was little: setting her up for success. I've really streamlined what's important to me and worth clashing with her over, and a lot of other stuff I've just let go. As a result, her times with me are relatively stress and incident-free. Don't think it's all sunshine and roses, but I've made a concerted effort to minimize rules and requirements, not make unrealistic demands of her and to allow her the freedom to make choices and be who she wants to be. I also watch her for cues, and if I see a meltdown coming, I try to get in front of it by holding her and rocking her.

While she spends about 2/3 of her "home" time with me, she spends another 45-ish hours a week (and that's a good chunk of waking hours) at preschool, and 1/3 of her "home" time with her dad. He's a bit more rules and regulations than I am, but he's *generally* a pretty AP guy in most of what he does and how he relates to the girls.

Preschool is obviously a lot more rules and regulations than I am.

And here's where I wonder if my laissez-faire approach to parenting is doing her more harm than good. At least in the near-term. If she colors on the floor with a crayon and I happen to catch her in the act, to me it's a talking point. To her dad, it's a time out. To her teacher, it's worth making Bean show me the floor. If I don't catch her in the act, I'll tell both girls (usually, tho sometimes I do single her out) that we don't do that and I'll restrict crayon access to just in my office or something like that. But if I choose to leave them with crayons while I take a shower, and I end up with magenta windowsills, that's kinda my fault, at least in my mind.

Am I doing her harm by not echoing the structure/discipline/rules she has elsewhere? I'm a single mom running a zone defense on two pretty spirited kids, and honestly, I pick my battles: they can't run away from me in public, they can't run into a parking lot/road, they need to be gentle with animals, not kill bugs indiscriminately and not hit/kick/spit.

The other stuff, it's all more a discussion and natural consequence-type stuff. If Bean's insisting on wearing shoes that are too small, she gets blisters. If she wants to wear a velvet dress to go play at the park in July, she sweats buckets (and I keep a good eye on her). If she won't share a toy with her sister, the toy gets taken away from both of them. I may take away a thing she likes if she's made a bad choice, but I really only "discipline" for large infractions.

What do y'all think? Am I too permissive? Should I create more structure? Am I inadvertently causing her to act out at school because they have rules and I don't? Ditto at her dad's house?
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howdy

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A week of sick kids, high stress and no sleep has left me feeling like poop on a stick, but I wanted to share a linky to a news story on what I've been up to.

More later, when I'm feeling better.
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Day three

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Melissa, I like the talking head thing, so feel free to comment away :) But let me know if you do start blogging - I'll definitely want to read it!

My parents have been on babysitting duty all week, and will likely finish the week as the girls' day care providers. Sorry guys! I just sent an email to the real daycare, showing them this link from the local paper about state lab testing for H1N1. It's entirely possible that my results will be indefinitely delayed as they work through their backlog, and if the school maintains their "we need your results" stance, who knows when the girls will be able to go back. So I suggested we just go with Monday.

I really hope they are on board ... the girls need the structure of school, I think, to make sure they're napping an eating well. My parents are doing a great job, but having a hard time with napping and getting the girls to eat; and when I'm getting home to two exhausted kids at 6:30, I can't exactly whip up a full meal. So they're in this cycle of carb loading and exhaustion. Miss O is sleeping for crap at night and I am just wiped out!

Miss O is one strong-willed little bugger ... is it wrong that I like Bean a bajillion times more sometimes? O will sleep all night at Dave's, and nap for an hour or more. With me, if I get her to nap on her own, the most I can hope for is 45 minutes, and she is back to waking up 4-5 times a night. And screaming when she does, partly because I'm not nursing her (mostly, by the last wake-up I just let her latch on. I don't think she's getting anything, but whatever). But I think part of it is just that she's so chronically overtired.

With my folks, she won't nap at all unless my dad walks her to sleep, then lays down with her asleep on him. Even so, they get maybe 30 minutes from her. Her one day at school, she slept on a mat for 2 stinkin' hours. And Bean naps almost every day at school. But never at home.

Le sigh. I wish I knew where they got this pig-headedness from. Probably their dad, as I'm as flexible and easy-going as can be ...

When I'm at work, I am loving being a working mommy. The evenings still suck, from a time management perspective, but I envision this as being really good for the three of us once we really have a routine down. And being a single working mommy has some real benefits, as far as after-hours work stuff goes - if I have some notice, I can just coordinate with Dave and not have the kids for the morning or evening. It's kind of nice ... you know, sometimes I think that I may never get married again ...
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Cowering in a closet is starting to seem like a reasonable plan.

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At least from a preschool director perspective.

I called the girls' school this a.m. to bring them up to speed on the girls' health, as Miss O left early Monday because she was sick and neither of them has been back since. The school sent out a "School Flu Policy" email today, and I just wanted them to know, mostly, that the girls were still ill, but negative for Type A.

And then idiot me mentioned I tested positive for Type A.

Hand to dog, I spent 10 minutes talking to the director and the owner detailing when I was last there (5 days before I tested positive for Type A), when I tested positive, when the girls tested negative, my doctor's contact info ... only to be called back and asked to keep the girls home until I get my test results back. You know, sometime next week.

I was hoping the girls were coming back tomorrow, but now Dave is being all devil's advocate-y and saying "well, what if you're still contagious? That would mean this whole week of isolation was for nothing." Well, yeah, if you're going to go and use logic.

Gah. I miss my girls. I haven't seen them in a week and while it was really nice while I was feeling like death, now that I feel pretty good, it's lonely. And boring. I mean, seriously - how much HGTV can a person watch without calling upon the powers of darkness and doing tons of decoupage? Do you know I actually watched TMZ this evening? And found it funny.
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Beanisms and musings

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Nuggets of joy gleaned from a 30-minute phone call from Bean

I hope you don't break both your legs, mommy.

I'm going to ask all the humans did you crash Paul? Did you crash Paul? Did you crash Paul? And if they say they say yes then I am going to crash them too because that's not nice to crash people!

And I'm pretty sure you're going to love me always mommy. Even when you're 100.

Can I come to your house mommy? I will take care of you. Every time you sneeze, I will bring you a tissue. But I can't take care of daddy and Miss O, too. That's a lot of people.

Miss O just attacked me. Apparently she wants to knock me over.

I'm going to put the phone down and go ask daddy. Don't talk until I come back, okay?

Well, my big girl definitely misses me. And talking to her really drove home how much I miss her, too. And her sister, but Bean is just kind of a force unto herself, you know? The things she says and does are so interactive and engaging and unique that being away from her for this long has been really hard. I miss the little one for the more obvious reasons: my baby girl, nursing, her consistent presence. But Bean is who really puts the life and dynamism into my home.

She initiated the always awkward mommy and daddy are divorced conversation. This one began with "you loved each other for a little while" kind of discussion. Sometimes I wish I had a kid who was just not interested in the world around her, you know? I wouldn't have to talk about dead people, wouldn't have to talk about divorce ... We could just talk about her and her ponies. (Daddy got her a "medium size" Toola Roola pony, with "sparkles on her butt-butt and on her nose and in her mane!" ... the girl loves her some Ponies.)

Somehow she drew the conclusion "you still love daddy a little". Ummm ... no. Caught off-guard, I replied "no, sweetie, daddy and mommy are just friends." She asked her daddy if we were friends, and he must have shaken his head, because next I heard was "Yes you are. Mommy said you are friends" and, in the background, Dave's "yes, we're friends."

This is a bit of a shift in verbiage; historically we've kind of made mommy and daddy just separate entities, and used 'mommy and daddy aren't friends anymore' as the reason for two homes and the divorce. But as Bean's understanding of things - and her social context - expands, it seems like we'll need to wrap our co-parenting relationship in different terms.

And since, in her social context at school, "not friends" is defined in terms of exclusion, meanness and scratching, it's probably best that she thinks mommy and daddy are friends. Thankfully, I'm not alone in my thinking, so friends is the new terminology. Of course, this was followed by Bean vowing "We will all be friends forever. Mommy and Daddy and me and Miss O." So I think there will need to be some nuancing of the term, over time, so she understands there are gradations of friendship, but for now, the 'friends' bucket seems a much better place for mommy and daddy's relationship than the 'not friends' bucket :)

On the health front, I think I'm past the feverish portion of the flu, but I still have a nasty cough and the general feeling of being run down by a truck. I was out for a little while today to mail a few things, return some library books and pick up my own mail, and found the 15 minutes of driving exhausting. This is after a good night's sleep. I ended up taking a two-hour nap and woke up about 4 hours ago, but I'm already yawning again.

Still no word on swine flu results. Looks like the first local school is closing based on 'probable' swine flu, so it's just a matter of time before the first positive shows up around here. Whatever version of the flu I have, it has definitely knocked me on my ass much harder than the flu usually does. Although I've never had the flu at the same time I was returning to work and putting my kids in full-time care, so I imagine that life itself was knocking me down a few pegs already :)

The girls are on the rebound from whatever non-flu issues were ailing them, so hopefully one or both of them will be able to return to school tomorrow. Dave has totally been a rock star, keeping them over there all week, and staying home with them while they're sick. It's not a huge shock to me that he's doing all this, as his daddy skills were never in doubt or question, it's just really, really nice that he's doing it - mostly to keep them away from me, but also because it gives me a chance to recover. And, ostensibly, to work from home. Which is easier said than done, as my already limited ability to stay focused has been shredded by the combo of illness-driven malaise and medication-induced brain fog. It's taken me all day just to type this post, and I've had to give up finding an appropriate quote to use as a post title because I keep getting sucked into all sorts of silly things ...
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I am not going to be cut down by some monster flu. I am better than that!

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Well, at least I know what's wrong - I have the flu. And yeah, it's type A. I went to the doctor yesterday a.m. because I still wasn't feeling well, and since I had the febrile, respiratory illness the CDC was saying 'go see your doctor' about, I went. The doctor's office sent a second swab off for more detailed testing, but in the meantime, I'm stuck at home for a week and taking Tamiflu.

Dave's keeping the girls for the week to try to keep them, and their school, separate from my cooties. They both went to the doc today, Miss O because she has had some GI symptoms and a fever, Bean mostly just to cover our butts, and their flu tests were negative. If Miss O isn't feeling better soon, I think one of us will be taking her to get her urine checked.

For as long as I've been sick, I was pretty surprised to still swab positive for *anything*, but maybe I picked up the flu virus later in the game. Who knows. I don't know when I'll get the results back, as my doctor's office has "never done anything like this before" and doesn't know what to expect when they send the stuff off. They hope to have results within the week, but personally, I'd expect a little faster turnaround right about now ...

So that's what's going on here. I miss my kids, and imagine they miss me, but hopefully this will keep them from getting sick and I will finally get to recover myself. I'm doing some work, but the meds I'm on are making me a little spacey so it's hard to stay focused for long. Mostly, I'm just going stir crazy.
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Is this Bizarro World?

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Still feeling crappy unless I load up on OTC meds, no x-ray results and my left ear is full of fluid or whatevah it is that infected ears fill with. I swear, if my ear would drain, I would at least feel a little more human ...

Since an empty fridge waits for no woman, yesterday I made a grocery run. I needed to print out my last 6 online class lessons, too, so I chose SuperTarget, as it's right next to Office Max. I hate printing tons of stuff at home, since a new laser cartridge is so damn expensive. I've printed all my class stuff at FedEx/Kinkos (you can send them print jobs online) until now, but since they make you wait for the stuff, I figured I'd give Office Max a whirl. Walked in, handed them the USB key, and walked out 10 minutes later with everything printed and 3-hole-punched. I'll be a highlighting fool in a little while, as I am way behind on my classes.

At SuperTarget, I made a spin through the toy department just to see if there was anything cool on clearance, and had the bizarro-world experience of running into Bean shopping with Dave and Miss O. Contrary to popular belief, the world did *not* spin off it's axis with the two of us in one place ... at least I don't think it did, but I've got this middle ear thing kind of screwing with my balance ...

Bean was excited to see me, and told me she wanted to come with me as she was "tired of being around boys". I reminded her that Miss O was there, too, and that she missed her daddy when she wasn't with him. Her response? "Not that much." Ouch. I spent a few minutes with her while Dave and Miss O stayed away (O would have been very unhappy to have me leave if she saw me), and then convinced her to go back to Dave. The rest of the experience was punctuated by texting back and forth about where we were in the store and ended with me sending "I'm out" when I left. My life is just weird sometimes.

I swear, I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow and ask if I have swine flu. I can't shake the cough and I'm still running fevers on and off. If those jerks would ever call me about my chest x-ray at least I'd know what *isn't* wrong. Grrr ...
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I feel fine. I mean, I'm... the world's spinning a little bit, but I like it, it's kinda like a ride.

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So, as evidenced by the death and graveyard conversations, Bean and I talk about all kinds of stuff. Interesting stuff, sometimes, completely banal stuff other times. We haven't done rocks in the belly, yet, Julia, but if your explanation to C involves pictures, or, better yet, visual aids, I may drop Bean off for the show and tell portion :)

Tuesday (in addition to dead people and cemeteries) we talked about how and why one would go about resurfacing a road, including trying to explain how cars and weather degrade the surface of the road, and how they lay down a new layer of asphalt without removing the old layer. She just couldn't wrap her head around the concept of how the road surface would 'wear out'. When I explain things to her, I ask "Did that make sense? Or should I try to explain it another way?" But really, how many different ways can one explain 'wears out'. I tried using holes in clothes as a comparison, but I think she's still pretty cloudy on the wearing out thing ...

Later, when she and I were talking about why she shouldn't run away from the grownups she's with, I was trying to be kind of vague and not scary about everything at first, telling her that it was dangerous and bad things could happen. She said "I need you to explain it a different way." That's when she got the 'taken by a stranger/run over and die' bit. Now every time she doesn't understand what I'm saying, she says "I need you to explain it a different way." Bed time takes even longer as I explain every nuance of her books to her, usually once but often enough at least twice. Le sigh. Kinda makes O's non-communication look good by comparison.

Melissa, I've been thinking about you this week - how did it go for you and for R?

I've been at work one day this week. I felt like crap Wednesday, but I medicated it into submission and went in, only to be rewarded with a 101.5 fever Thursday morning, and the kind of sick that makes even your teeth and hair hurt. I'm waiting on chest x-ray results for possible pneumonia. Fun. I'm pretty sure I've strained my lower back and ab muscles with all this coughing, and my head is constantly pounding. Great way to start a new job, huh? Hopefully, *hopefully* they will be understanding, and by Monday I'll be well enough to go in and kick some serious butt. And this will just be a few days we all forget about in short order.

Thankfully my folks were around to help out with the girls yesterday, so I could go to the doc and get the x-ray solo, then even get a nap in in the afternoon. I slept 9 hours last night, and plan on repeating that tonight. I already got a good nap in this afternoon with Miss O, so while I still feel like death, I'm getting some of the rest I need (and that the doctor ordered - ha!) to help my body recover.

O has made a few appearances in her daycare room this week, and she loves it. Today, she watched Dave walk out the door and turned back to what she was doing. After he took Bean to her classroom, he came back and she was happily wandering around doing her own thing. I hope, hope, hope she is going to do well with this. I am really encouraged by Dave's report, and by my own experiences of her playing happily and making friends, and cautiously optimistic about how it will go for real on Monday.

I got the sweetest phone call from Bean last night when she was at her daddy's. I was on the phone with Kelly, and clicked over on the call waiting to join a conversation in-progress (she doesn't grasp that she needs to wait for someone to answer the phone before she starts talking.) She had gotten an ant bite and jabbed herself on a "pokey plant" while at the park with daddy and wanted me to know. She was also worried about me, asking if I was resting and "soaking", as I told her I soak in a hot tub when I don't feel good. Poor Kelly gave up on me, as there's no way to explain "the other line" to a 3.5 year old, nor did I want to rush her off the phone. I spent a few minutes talking to her and then called Kelly back.

I'm anticipating a weekend of laying around like a lump as I try to kick this. They told me I should start feeling better within 48-72 hours, and if I didn't I needed to come back in. I'm holding the doctor to that, because I cannot imagine feeling this rotten for much longer :(
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The important thing is that I kept up my special birthday tradition of gut-wrenching misery and horror.

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Happy birthday to me :)

Since I celebrated 37 buying a house for my new life, it seems oddly fitting that I celebrate 38 enjoying my last day of being a stay-at-home mom. Both are exciting turning points, but also scary and stressful and not anything I saw on my radar when I looked a few years ahead at 36. I think I was supposed to be going to Europe this year to get *my* fancy import car; I certainly wasn't supposed to be where I am today.

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It seems a sort of apropos commentary that I started this yesterday but the girls would not let me finish. Right now I feel like absolute crap - fever, body aches, an ear infection and a nice, hacking cough. Yay first day of work! I'm going to medicate it all into submission rather than call in sick, but damn, I just want to lay on the sofa for a day. Or three. I'm fairly certain I'll be spending my weekend off laying around trying to recover.

Yesterday after Bean ran off for the millionth time, I finally broke it down for her with the "Look, if you run away you could either get taken by a stranger and never see mommy and daddy and Miss O again, or you could get hit by a car and die. Do you want either of those things to happen?!?" spiel. Naturally, we then talked about those things ad nauseum for awhile. And then I said: "Now, do you understand why you can't run away?" And she replied, very soberly, "Yes. And I could even get eaten by a bear if there was one around."

Prior to this, on our way to a birthday breakfast, actually, she started on her 'dead people in the ground' obsession. She was convinced they buried people under the road. So I finally introduced the concept of a cemetery, as a park with dead people. "Do they have playscapes?" was her first question. I explained that they did not, they had some benches, and then had to explain the whole concept of digging a hole, putting the box with the person in, refilling the hole and, because she needed to know, putting the grass back on.

So, naturally, our next field trip will be to a cemetery. What 3.5-year-old doesn't want to check out a park with dead people??

And before anyone starts on me, it's her own damn fault for asking so many questions.
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Hey! I'm feeling some serious negative energy in this room

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Ugh.

What a weekend. Yesterday I medicated myself into feeling decent, but the combo of everything settling in my chest and exhaustion has left me feeling completely drained. Today, thankfully, Dave didn't have much going on and could take the girls a bit early and give me some time to veg out on the couch and relax a bit. Tonight I'll be able to get a little done, have a healthy dinner and get some sleep. Since I start work in a few days, I really need to start feeling better!

Miss O is doing better. After reading a lot on pneumonia, I'm not sold on that having been the issue, but the antibiotic she's on is pretty broad-spectrum and would address bronchitis or an ear infection as well, so as long as the fever wasn't due to kidney issues, it's a win-win. She started to improve within 24 hours of starting the antibiotic, and now just has an occasional cough and a little congestion. Way better than where she was on Wednesday.

On Thursday Bean had a screening ultrasound of her bladder and kidneys and there was some fluid in her kidneys, prompting the urologist to suggest a VCUG for her, as well. I'm not sure how much fluid, but apparently enough that it raised concern.

O's u/s and VCUG didn't show any hydronephrosis that I recall, so it's possible Bean has a higher degree of reflux than O does. However, she's asymptomatic, so I'm hoping it's just a fluke thing and when she has the VCUG (insert serious frowny face here) it shows no issues.

I'm tellin' ya - my kids are defective. At least Miss O doesn't show any sign of toe-walking ...

We had a first birthday party to attend yesterday, and I had to leave early because Bean just fell apart on me. She was being a bit turdly, not sharing well, that kind of thing, but nothing major. Then I watched her yank something from her sister. When I yanked it back, Bean called me stupid, and then when I told her it was time to go, she started to take off. I caught her and she turned and walloped me in the shoulder with a closed fist. Well, that sealed the departure deal.

She was tired, but 3:00 is just too late to start a nap. So we came home, did an early dinner, bath time and an early bedtime, since O missed her afternoon nap. I'm transitioning her to one nap/day since that's all they do at daycare. I've got to transition them to a later bedtime, as well, since the 6:30-7:00 deal won't work with me picking them up at 5:30. We won't be done with dinner until 6:30-7:00!

My heart was hurting for Bean on Friday. Thursday while O was napping Bean covered about 1/3 of my kitchen table, as well as a great quantity of her leg and arm skin, with green marker. The table cleaned up much more easily than she did, so when she went to school Friday, she still had tons of green marker on her. Several of the kids sang "Bean's a baby" at her, and one kid scratched her and told her she wasn't her friend.

The baby song really, really pissed me off. Why? Yeah, kids are cruel, but the kids learned this from the teacher calling kids babies, IMO. Since she has, on more than one occasion, used 'you're a baby' to admonish children in her class when they do something she doesn't like, she has, to my way of thinking, taught the kids a way to pick on each other. Pisses. Me. Off.

The scratching thing bugs me, too. This is the second time Bean's been scratched, with broken skin, and no incident report. I mean, hell's bell's, I had to sign a report when Bean did an incidental contact scratch on a friend a long while back, but here are two deliberate scratches, that Bean says her teachers knew about, and no reports. But since I've already complained about this teacher once, I don't want to sound like I have a grudge against her ... I mean, I don't like her, I'll be honest, but that isn't why this stuff bugs me. Having my daughter tell me "No-one likes me. They all said they weren't my friend and sang the baby song" is why this stuff bugs me.
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Don't be nervous. Do what I do, just picture yourself naked.

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Ugh. I am so glad Dave will be taking the girls tonight and I can just take a long, hot bath and then get a solid night's sleep. I got a decent amount of sleep last night, but since it was fractured by O's frequent wakings, it wasn't all that restful - especially when I'm trying not to get majorly sick.

O is still asleep, even tho Bean's been up almost an hour now. Around 2:00 I moved us back into Bean's room, where O slept until 5:30-ish, then came up to nurse and crawled back down to pass out in her crib. Once I knew she was out, I let Bean get up. Tho keeping her quiet is much more difficult than you would imagine. If she's not wanting to play with her people and horses (who are all now shopping in the pony corral), she's banging crap around in the living room. The girl simply cannot be quiet. At all. Ever. Try reading to her these days - if she's not asking a kajillion questions based on the page you're on, she's asking you to point out words and hollering them along with you. I know it's a great skill, and that the questions are good, but when you just want to knock out a story before Screamy Screamerson decides she has had *enough*, it's sometimes tempting to but the kibosh on the chatter.

So, about the job. Bean's school doesn't actually do P/T in the afternoons, so I'll be starting P/T on Wednesday, when my folks will be back in town and able to watch O in the afternoons. That will let me take her in a few times during the week, just to get her a little acclimated. Honestly, at her age, I don't know what good any sort of short-term warm-up does, other than get her used to the provider's face. Dave will be doing the first real drop-off, which seems kind of karmically fair, and I'll get to rescue her in the afternoon.

So I'll do Wed, Thurs, Fri afternoon next week, then start full-time the following Monday. I'm a little freaked out, now that it's all sinking in, and fighting the urge to call and say "nevermind!"

The job is almost perfectly tailored to my diverse background, and is that crucial first step in knitting it all together under a cohesive single banner. It's kind of corporate communications meets PR meets event planning meets some admin-type stuff. That's the briefest description I can give you. A lot of stuff I've done, in some vein or another, mixed with one or two things I've learned about doing and one or two things I've never done.

I'm plunging head-first into the deep end of going back to work, rather than my preferred method (in theory) of easing back in. But since I'm a procrastinating visionary (read: lots of ideas and things I want to do, just no movement toward actually *doing* any of them), we all knew this was how it was going to turn out, didn't we?

I'm so disappointed I didn't get to use my new resume (done by the fabulous Liz at Ultimate Resumes - thanks Liz!), but with no job lasting forever anymore, it's a good investment anyways. In the back of my head, I was thinking "I know as soon as I pay for this, I'm going to get a job that never even sees it" - that just seems to be the way Murphy's Law always play out for me. Regardless, it was money well spent :)

I can't believe I'm going to be done with play dates, park dates and lunches with friends :( Man, this is going to be one hell of a transition for me, isn't it? I'm envisioning a week of fast food and a total disaster area at home for the first full-time week. The girls and I will be getting home when I'm usually starting the bedtime routine. At least for Wed-Thurs-Fri next week, we wil be able to start the later nighttime routine and adjust to later mornings without the get-to-work scramble.

Ack. This is all going to work out, right?
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I'm not well. I feel all oogy.

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Bean, practicing sorting with a bunch of androgynous Playmobil figures. She's doing all the Q&A. With voices. Enjoy:
Are you a girl?
Yes.
Are you wearing high heels like me?
Yes.
Then you can come with us.
Are you a girl?
No.
Boys have to stay with the other boys. You stay here.
Are you a girl with a mustache?
Yes I am.
Then you can come with us.

I'm not your friend because you say mean stuff. You can stay in the pony corral.

Only blue boys can go. But the red boys are going to have to stay behind.

Out of the blue at the dinner table, in a totally exasperated tone: Oh what the hell?? (She claims she learned this from her school friends. It isn't from me. My 'what the hell's are usually in the form of 'what the hell are you doing?!?')

Is it any wonder she's my favorite these days? Bizzaro-world sorting hat repetoires and spontaneous hugs and kisses versus Screamy Screamerson who is just a royal PITA these days.

But, apparently, with good reason. O ran a 103.5+ axillary temp pretty much all night last night (ibuprofen only knocked it back for a few hours at a time) and was diagnosed with pneumonia today. Seriously. I've been looking for my receipt and warranty for her all day, because between pneumonia, the kidney infection and all the screaming, this is *so* not what I signed up for.

And I'm sick as heck, running on a total of 8 hours sleep over the past two nights and finally, finally, at 8:30 sitting down to eat dinner after another night from hell with Miss O. If I don't end up with pneumonia as well it'll be a miracle. Because with as low as my defenses are at right now my body is a veritable playground for opportunistic infections. (A concept I tried to cover with Miss I this evening, so if she starts talking to one of you about cooties that take over when other cooties are already there, that might be why.)

Soon as I'm done with my soup, I'm crashing. I wish with Bean, but I'll probably just go snuggle with her for a few minutes and then go bed down with Screamy in my room. Someone cross fingers that they sleep past 4:30 tomorrow morning. Because when that started this morning, I wanted to introduce Bean to Swirly Enlightenment.
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I think it; I say it. It's my way.

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Yesterday I picked Bean up at her dad's to take her to a friend's birthday party. Dave was supposed to take her, but O is sick and has a fever, so he asked me to take Bean.

As we were driving there, she blurted out: I told daddy to pull his head out of his butt!

{snort}

So, let me set this up a little. One day, completely frustrated with Bean not listening and not doing what I asked her, a million and seven times, to do, I snapped. And hollered: "Bean! Pull your head out of your butt and listen to me!"

I'm just impressed I used 'butt'.

Well, that totally diffused the situation, because she thought it was the funniest thing in the world. She laughed and laughed, in that over-the-top Bean laugh she has, and said "my head isn't in my butt!"

I explained it's a phrase people use when someone isn't paying attention. "You weren't listening to me, so I was worried your head was in your butt."

Fast forward to this weekend, when she said "I told daddy - pull your head out of your butt!"

As I laughed and tried to be stern, I asked why she would say that to him. She said "He wasn't listening to me." Points to her for good usage. But I have to take points away for saying it to a grownup.

I *had* to call Dave and asked how he didn't laugh out loud when she said it. He, apparently, found it less humorous. He said he had to go back into the room and ask "what did you say to me?" incredulously, and that it was a little hard not to smile, but he was already so annoyed with her he didn't find it super funny.

Dude. That's funny. A 3.5-year-old telling you, out of the blue, to pull your head out of your butt? I don't care who you are, that's funny. Maybe not something you encourage her to say again, or to any other grown up, but she deserves one free pass.

(Especially when she says to your ex-husband something you've wanted to say to him so. many. times.)

I explained to her she could say it to me once, too, but then she couldn't ever say it to a grown up again. She said brightly "okay. I will just say it to kids."

Folks, you've been forewarned.

I did tell her it probably wasn't something to say to kids, either, since the kids might then say it to a grown up and get in trouble. I also apologized to her for using the phrase, since I gave her something that could get her in trouble.

But I got a good, long chuckle out of the whole thing. Mostly just trying to picture Dave's reaction when he realized what she said.

Mommy, to birds that flew in front of her car: Ack! Get out of the way birds!
Bean, in response, stops sucking her fingers, says imperially "run them over." and returns the fingers to her mouth.

Perhaps their heads were up their butts and they had it coming?

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Miss O is definitely contagious, as my 'allergies' have become a low-grade fever and sore throat. So I have that slightly woozy I'm sick feeling going on. Not to mention I burned the roof of my mouth the other day, so I have a raw spot right where my hard palate meets the soft palate: in other words, right where my tongue pushes against the roof of my mouth every. single. time. I swallow. I keep numbing it with Orajel, but that only takes the edge off the discomfort.

What's that? Y'all are breaking out your tiny violins for me? Pbbllttt. I had to cancel on a potluck dinner I had planned to attend, and will instead be spending my day in my jammies, and enjoying a long hot shower (and possibly a long, hot bath) to ease my discomfort. And to make me warm, because I'm freezing right now. Course, the quiet 'sick day' sounds kind of nice in it's own right ... like those days when you play hookie from work because you don't feel great, but aren't all that sick, and just spend the day vegging out ...
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