I didn't say you were stupid! So…stop being an idiot and let me fix this!

It's been an emotional roller-coaster of a weekend.

The good: Bean's birthday party today was awesome. I used Wanna Play Playcare, which is a drop-in, hourly daycare facility; they're closed on Sundays and have two-hour slots for private parties that day. It was a really great experience - the kids had a ton of stuff to do, the parents could be a bit less vigilant because there was a locked door and no strangers (as well as two staff members) and they had a great food serving/eating area as well. My house just isn't big enough to host a party, so I'm always looking for an off-site location - I won't be looking anymore. As long as they're around, I'll be doing all kid parties at Wanna Play.

Bean had a great time, loved playing with her friends and even got to take in bits and pieces of a My Little Pony movie when she slowed down. She barely touched her cake, tho. (Actually, none of the kids really ate their cake. I think next time it'll be cookies and/or brownies, because I'm not a cake fan anyways.) Since almost all the 4-ish year olds have a 1-1.5-year-old younger sibling, it was a great time for the littles, as well.

Work is going well, but my stress level has been slowly ratcheting up as the Pink Slip Festival approaches. Dan has pointed out that I over think things, but in the case of this festival, I don't think I can over think many aspects. It's Austin, so at least half of the key players are these mellow "it'll work fine" people who aren't really following up on details or dotting all the i's. Maybe it will be fine, but my brain doesn't work that way: I see things play out to their logical/ likely conclusions in my head, so I'm starting to get a bit twitchy about everything that could go wrong.

We actually had a 'planning' day at work on Friday, where we spent the first half of the day planning stuff and the second half suffering through "Transformers 2" at the Alamo. That movie *sucked*. Good god, it was awful. The special effects were nifty, but the crappy acting and lame-ass dialog just killed me. I want to meet the person who thinks there was anything redeeming about this movie. There wasn't.

Friday night, Shirley came over for wine and conversation; Saturday night it was Julia and Cindy's turn. It was really great to spend some time with all of them, sans kiddos, since I never make playgroups or weekday outings anymore.

Saturday morning I had coffee with Dave's parents. It's the first time I've seen his dad since the divorce; I saw his mom once, right after the divorce, but the last time they were in town, She Who Shall Not Be Named was calling the shots (indirectly) and kiboshed anyone thinking anything nice about me. Since they're his folks, they went with the flow. Now that Voldemort's gone, we're all free to talk to each other again.

It was actually really nice seeing his folks, and the conversation was pleasant and flowed well. But the whole thing just made me sad. Sad for everything that I've lost, sad for the life I used to have, sad that it's gone ... I think I still mourn it, and while I know I need to move on - and have moved on in many ways, there's still this tiny little shred of denial/ hope/ stupidity that trips me up and keeps me from really, totally, for sure closing the door.

I'm not loving seeing that admission in black and white as I type this. I'm fighting myself, trying to decide if I leave it or delete it. I don't want to be stupid; and I certainly don't want to admit to the world that I feel that way ... but I feel like I have to maintain the open kimono I've always shown ya, fess up even when I'd prefer to shove this tiny bubble down somewhere and pretend (to y'all and to myself) it doesn't exist.

Eh, screw it. It stays. Don't beat me up too hard for being a dumbass, 'kay?


Julia said...

Thanks so much for having us at that party. The kids DID have a fabulous time.

Ok, so I'll be the dumbass along with you here, but I really think that with Voldemort out of the picture and with enough time for you to have mulled over the happenings of the divorce, you might want to have a conversation with D. Before you were probably too clouded with hurt, anger, shock, and he probably with that newfound relationship high to have been able to really talk about what was and will become of your post-divorce relationship. I almost think that if you both do lay out your current feelings, whatever they may be, then you might be able to move on. Right now, I see you stuck in an emotional pothole that'll just get covered up with some dirt and not really fixed but is good enough to pass.

seball said...

Damn, Julia. Steal my thunder. :) I totally agree with Julia here...let me watch the girls sometime...so you can have a decent conversation with D. It is perfectly normal to have the feelings you are having--I have to say, even those around you have those 'aching' belly feelings of sadness *for* you...love ya girlie, hang in there... *hugs*

Victoria said...

Y'all are right, of course. And I'll do it at some point ... I really don't expect or even nurse a glimmer of hope that he has any regrets, and I'm not sure I really want to hear some of the stuff I think he might have to say ... I definitely need to be in a less weepy mood, tho - I almost cried over a baby commercial the other day!

Stefany said...

Since Julia is about the smartest ever, I will just say I agree with her.


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