So… peachy with a side of keen, that would be me.

I think the stress and worry about all the looming changes are starting to settle on me.

I'm in this perpetual state of controlled freak out: mind racing, blood pressure actually rising above my perpetual 80/50 range, mild nausea, rapid pulse ... I'm so nervous about Miss O going to daycare. I think this would be a more fun/exciting kind of stress if it was just Bean and I whose lives were changing. She's a lot better at handling change, and much easier to communicate with. Screamy Screamerson, OTOH, not exactly a roll-with-it kind of kiddo.

How do I get over this? I'm not really going to, am I? I mean, the stress of the unknown aspect of it will pass, but then it will just be known stress, won't it?

And then there's the whole being back in the workplace thing, after a good 4 years and change out of it. But that would be one of those positive stressors if it were occurring in a vacuum. Without the worry about the kids and how I'm going to manage juggling everything, it would be kind of invigorating. Instead, it's just another brick in the "holy sh*t" wall.

No-one wants to just pay me to stay home with the girls, do they? Yeah, yeah ... they drive me nuts, I'm looking forward to going back to work, yadda, yadda, yadda. As push is coming to shove, none of the "yay work!" cheers are really ringing all that true anymore ... and I find myself watching O play and wander around with such a feeling of unease.

One of my favorite things about Miss O these days is how much she understands, and how she interprets it. Like if I tell her to turn around to find something, she gets that she needs to look behind her, but does so by basically dropping to an awkward, bent-in-half, downward-facing dog and looking between her legs. The only way to extricate herself from said down-dog is to drop, unceremoniously, on her well-cushioned tush. Cute and practical.

She's also very interested in clean up, the polar opposite of big sister, who is very into absolute destruction. O actually cleans up after herself, and if she sees me cleaning, will retrieve a broom or a cloth napkin to sweep or wipe with me. I was watching her play today, and she put toys back in containers and put the containers back under the table when she was done with things. Not every toy, of course, but still a refreshing change from Bean's approach to play - dump everything out, take what you want, leave the rest.

Just to remind myself it's not all duckies and bunnies, she also has a new style of temper tantrum where she just follows me around screaming, and when I look at her, she drops to the ground to roll around and scream louder. When I walk away, she takes her act on the road until I make eye contact again, and the stop, drop and roll plays out again.

No dice. I'm still freaking out.


Melissa said...

We start tomorrow - drop off at 8 AM. I'd expound more on how I'm feeling, but my head feels like it's about to explode. R has been sick with another head cold, and has similar, er - mechanisms of temper tantrums as O does and I'm terrified the DCP won't know how to understand her or help her. Eek...

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