Freud would have said the exact same thing... except he might not have done that little dance

You know it's just going to be a sh*t-tastic day when you've screamed, hollered and, yes, delivered a quick swat to a tush, all well before 6 a.m.

Bean began our morning at 4:50, waking, refusing to lay back down, and then hollering "I don't want to" when I asked her to be quiet. Thus waking her sister and sealing my fate of 5 hours of sleep and an extreme level of crank. I've contemplated the Swirly of Enlightenment multiple times already. And brandy. Thank Bast her dad will be coming to take the oldest for awhile, because at the rate she and I are going this morning, we would not both survive the day.

I know, I need to read more books. But so far, all the books do is give me small tools that sometimes break through my ire with a behavior, and they make me feel like an even sh*ttier mom for not being able to be this perfect, forgiving, unconditional, relaxed and saintly mother they expect of me. I sometimes wonder if parenting books - at least the not-so-mainstream ones - rely on beating a parent down and then building them back up. The very thing they advise against in a parent-child relationship, they seem to foster in the author-parent relationship: you suck, you're doing it all wrong, here's what you should be doing.

For me, parenting books offer this utopia of a parent-child relationship, but never actually take me there. The result is lingering guilt, maybe a small bit of ability to better cope, and the hindsight to hate myself when I make my own bad choices. It's fab.

So, continuing the psychology leanings, the great social experiment that has been my blog is changing direction a little.

The vast majority of my older posts have been deleted and moved to a private blog / archive site over at Wordpress. I don't plan on adding to them, but if you want access, shoot me an email or just fill out this formand I'll add you. Be advised, if I'm not sure who you are, I may not grant you access, so in the comments, you might want to include your blog linky, how you came to be a reader here or something else that'll put my mind at ease that your intentions are honorable.

I was just feeling a little exposed, after a year of baring my soul, so I'm pulling back a little. Supposedly my blog is easy to find, although my attempts to google myself (potty brains!) haven't led me to here ... if any of you who know my first and last name have a little time to kill and want to see if you can find me, let me know what you come up with. I'm thinking that 'easy to find' may be more along the lines if 'went out of my way to find', but maybe I'm missing something.

Anyways, it'll be bidness as usual, with maybe a few changes, going forward, but I've yanked the past from public view.

I love the open diary feel of blogging, and the psychology that goes along with it. It's fascinating, and, in a way, freeing, and it's something I don't plan to give up. But my open kimono approach is going to become just a little more modest. Consider this the boxers-and-a-tank-top version :)


Dawn said...

Darn! I sure love your "open kimono" style...but I completely understand. I think many of us have a secret blog out there...

Anyway, sorry you had another bad day. Man, that is just waaaaaayyyy too early for anyone to get up. Mercy.

Honestly, I hate parenting books. There just isn't going to be anything out there that can tell you what you need to do for your specific child. EVERY child is different, and every child responds differently to the disciplines. My philosophy is that you have to pick one strategy that you can live with and stick with it and do not stray from it until is works for them. It's just a big ol power struggle and in the end you have to show them that you are stronger.

But again, that is just my philosophy. It may not work for you. I hope you find something to save your sanity. Mothering is the hardest job ever!

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